Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I faked an abortion last night.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize