i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
