The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
