If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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