does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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