I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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