i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
