Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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