i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
