when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
