he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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