so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Girls should come with a carfax report
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
