I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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