I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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