Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
