Your face is a jimmy john
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You made out with two different species that night
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
