my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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