Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
