Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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