I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
