Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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