the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
