im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
