Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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