I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
