Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
