Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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