Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
