my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
