Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
