just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
