some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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