Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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