every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
