Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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