You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
