I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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