I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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