ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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