It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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