I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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