I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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