I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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