So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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