If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
