Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize