I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
