Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
