so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
