dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
