Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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