question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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