Don't make out with my wife yet
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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