How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
