Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
