My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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