i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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