Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
